“A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.” -Joan Rivers *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“You can quote me, but I’ll tell everyone that you’re lying.” -Jael Turner *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“The doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” -Walter Matthau *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” -Richard Jeni *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“There’s no limit to how much you’ll  know, depending how far beyond zebra you go.” -Dr. Seuss *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.” -Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez Happy Tuesday evening! -Mliae *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.” -Emo Philips *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up  to the time he killed himself.” -Johnny Carson *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” -Woody Allen *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“I stare past her at the inspirational kitten posters. There’s one of a soaking-wet kitten climbing out of a toilet with the caption ‘It could be worse!’ ‘Just tell me whatever it is you’re thinking,’ Mrs. Paulsen says. ‘Whatever is going through your mind right now.’ ‘I hope they didn’t actually drop a cat in…

“Andy Warhol is the only genius I’ve ever known with an I.Q. of 60.” -Gore Vidal *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“We’re everywhere, out there, among you.” -C.J. Morrow, The Finder *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” -Woody Allen *Photo credit: Appalachian LeadershipAcademy

“‘Goodwill to all.’ I know it’s technically ‘goodwill to all men,’ but in my mind, I drop the ‘men’ because that feels segregationist / elitist / sexist / generally bad -ist. Goodwill shouldn’t be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats.I’d…

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before….